I used to think I could spot resilience a mile off: never fazed by rejection and always upbeat after the call that just fell through.
That’s when I was leading sales teams, but the same applied when I was managing language centres and teams of ESL teachers. First in, last out. Never complaining.
It turns out I was probably getting it wrong across the board.
Since stepping away from direct management and spending the last year researching and building development programmes for early-career hires and the managers who support them, this pattern has become even clearer.
We reward the performance, not the substance.
What we reward as resilience
Most workplaces have an unspoken hierarchy of who counts as resilient. It usually goes to whoever handles pressure most visibly well: the person who shrugs off a setback and moves straight on to the next thing, who never seems rattled, and who is always available and willing.
The trouble is, none of that actually tells you anything about resilience. It tells you how well someone performs composure.
“Shake it off, next call, no time to dwell” is a mindset a lot of us were conditioned into, particularly in target-driven roles.
But shaking something off isn’t the same as processing it. “No time to dwell” can just as easily mean nobody is checking whether the person is actually alright.
Some of the behaviours we quietly reward as signs of resilience can, on closer inspection, be warning signs instead:
- Working late every night might mean someone can’t manage their workload or doesn’t feel able to say so.
- Always saying yes might mean they don’t feel safe saying no.
- Never asking for help might mean they’re worried it will look like incompetence.
- Always saying they’re fine might mean they’re the person you should check in with first.
None of that is a criticism of the people doing it. It’s usually a completely understandable response to a culture that rewards appearing unaffected over being honest.
So what does resilience actually look like?
If the outward signs aren’t reliable, what should managers actually be looking for?
A few behaviours consistently show up in people who are genuinely resilient, rather than simply good at appearing that way:
- Raising a concern before it becomes a crisis. Flagging a problem early is a much stronger sign of resilience than sitting on it until it’s unavoidable.
- Saying no when it’s the right call. Pushing back on an unrealistic request rather than quietly overcommitting and hoping it works out.
- Asking for help early, not as a last resort. Knowing when something is beyond you, and saying so, takes more confidence than muddling through alone.
- Owning a setback and adjusting afterwards. Not just moving on, but reflecting on what happened and changing something as a result.
These are quieter, less visible behaviours than “never complains” or “always on”. That’s probably exactly why they get overlooked.
Create space for questions
In all my roles, I’ve always been more concerned about new starters who don’t ask questions than those who do.
I was recently working with a team of highly intelligent, motivated interns during their placement year, and this is one of the points I really tried to hit home. I hope it landed—and that their managers are answering their questions every day.
The real opportunity for managers is learning to spot the difference between the resilience that gets performed and the resilience that actually gets built.
That shift matters whatever team you manage: sales, operations, customer service or anywhere else where pressure is part of the job.
The strongest person in the room isn’t always the one who looks like they’re coping best. Sometimes, they’re simply the one who has learned to hide it best.
